Sunday, July 16, 2017

Everyone is Damaged

Jakarta Sebelum Pagi. I put this novel on my bed immediately after finished reading it. I closed my eyes. Trying to absorb emotions I was feeling: hopeless, sad, hurt. Pak Meneer's love story made me feel those emotions. It made me recall memories and feelings which I really wish to forget.

The last few months have not been really great. I lost the urge to read and write here. I even don't touch my diary up to this day. I basically don't know what to do. I'm losing all interests.


To be honest, I'm planning to disappear for awhile. Getting back in my cave, minimalizing contact with the outside world, picking up what's broken inside piece by piece. For the last one I don't know how I'm gonna do that. The first thing that popped up in my head was denial. I thought by denying everything should help. Right? No, I was wrong.

Denial won't help me getting anywhere. It got me stucked. I won't mind if I got stucked in black holes. Because that means I would go into the void. Gone. Unfortunately, it got me stucked in the past.

I realize I have to acknowledge everything. Including that, actually, I'm damaged.

"Semua orang mengalami tragedi dalam hidupnya. Nggak semuanya besar menurut orang, tapi semuanya besar bagi yang mengalami. Di mata orang, kematian orang karena usia lanjut itu biasa saja; tapi bagi Nin, kehilangan suami itu nggak. Di mata orang, nggak menikah dengan orang yang dia sayangi itu umum, tapi bagi Pak Meneer, itu menyakitkan. Everyone's damaged in their own way." (Emina, Jakarta Sebelum Pagi, p. 152)

So, I sought for help. I talked to few people. Very few, if you know me. Funny thing is I don't have guts to approach my diary, open it, and write there. Just having the thought already makes me scared. I'm scared to write everything: the problems, the pains, the monsters. Because it will force me to remember everything in details. Like squeezing orange until the last drop. Emotionally exhausting. I want to forget, not to remember.

Just when I thought things were getting better, other dramas came. Have I told you that drama and I are best friend? Because I'm stupid and reckless in everything I do so I always create drama.

FYI, actually I already made a promise to myself not to write anything too personal on this blog. I told myself that I only wanted to write something useful. Writing curhat or personal problems won't give benefits to you, right? But, I thought I need to write as my catharsis, but I still can't write in my diary. And, who actually reads this blog receh? No one cares... So, I decided to come back here.

Here I don't need to write details. I won't. And I'm so sorry if you will often meet the bitter me. Or the fragile me. Or the dark side of me. Or whatever you're going to meet from me.

4 comments:

  1. smoga cepat membaik & menulis dg asik lg ya, Kim ..

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  2. "Useful" ini bisa juga untuk diri sendiri kok Mbak... Tenang saja :3

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  3. O darling everything will be fine. Eventually.
    *big hug*

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  4. Hai kak Kimmi, ini Putri, yang dulu menang undian surat terbuka untuk Rasullulah SAW. Kak, sekarang aku sudah menggapai mimpi besarku kak. Ya sekarang saya sedang menuntut ilmu di Shanghai Normal University, sedang menyelesaikan pendidikan magister saya disana dg beasiswa full. Sebelum saya berhasil meraih impian itu, banyak sekali cobaan yang menghadang. Tapi akhirnya saya sadar diakhir kesabaran dlm menghadapi cobaan itu ada hadiah luar biasa yg menanti. Keep strong kak,See ya. Putri :)

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