Friday, May 10, 2019

That I Would Be Good

Last night one of my friends sent me a message on Telegram asking me how I was doing. I told her that I was fine. Well, to be honest, I wasn't fine. I am still not fine. I'm just pretending.

Work has been dull. The atmosphere at office makes me feel like suffocated. Every morning I have been dragging my self so hard to go to work. Every second I have to remind myself that I need money so I can feed my family.

Now about my personal life. Things have been not doing great at home. There are a lot of bickers. My mood changes as fast as the speed of light. I don't know how many nights already that I have spent just by whining, crying, or simply silently staring at the wall of my bedroom. I tried to humor myself by watching Samurai X anime series and The Big Bang Theory. I tried to pick up books, but my brain refused them. It's funny actually. Last month only I could read 11 books, but now I have zero interest in reading. It's funny because that I can devour many books just in a month before bad mood strikes and it makes me doesn't want to read anything.

Another funny thing is the reason I read those many books was I needed an escape. I always have these awful and infuriating memories that keep coming back. I often have these recurring dreams which make me cry in my sleep. And when I wake up it feels like a large rock has been dropped onto my chest.

And the thoughts of longing for someone. That I miss him. Terribly. That I love him. So much. That I cannot tell that directly to him just because I don't want to get another rejection.


picture was from here


I am fighting. Sometimes I can stand tall and put all those miseries and traumas behind me. But, at other times I surrender myself to the sorrow.

I don't know whether I am too weak, love exaggerating things, or else. I have no idea.

I am struggling. Hey, aren't we all?

But, don't worry. Just like Alanis Morissette once sang "That I Would Be Good". So, rest assured, my friends, that we would be good.
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