Any Ideas?

Hello, folks! It's been a while. I'm good if you all have been wondering how I'm doing with my life. I think. Although, I've been doing bad in some aspects of my life. But, overall, life's good. I think. 

Well, to be honest, I don't know whether life's been good or bad. I'm failing my study and have decided to give them up entirely. I haven't taken my depression meds for the last few days and felt terrible. I have a low mood almost every day. I barely function. My anxiety is getting worse. I'm overthinking many things now. I fear death constantly, snakes may slither into my bathroom, I fear the mega-thrust earthquake may happen anytime soon, I fear global warming, I fear the world is gonna end soon, I fear that I may have another anxiety attack, I fear of the fear itself. And it's really tiring. I can't sleep well at night. I have to carry these fears on my shoulders everywhere I go. I have to shrug them off and pretend that everything is okay.

Things are okay in my life, but my brain is making things worse. I have to battle with my own demon. I must constantly reassure myself that things aren't as bad as my brain would like to think. I can't control any of these fears I've been holding, should they ever happen. 

Sometimes... 

Sometimes I wanna scream at the top of my lungs and ask for help. 


But, there is still one good thing that happens in my life. The thing that makes me happy and can't wait for it week after week. It's our -- Mas Danang and I -- podcast. Knowing that I'll have a recording session with Mas Danang every week for Mata Mata Kata makes me realize that finally -- after such a long time -- I have a purpose in life. I want to make Mata Mata Kata bigger. Heck, I wanna grow together with Mata Mata Kata. Mata Mata Kata will help me grow as a person. I believe that. 

I miss the time when I worried less and enjoyed life more. I wonder if that ever happens to me again. But for now, it's good to have a project. It gives me a purpose in life and distracts my brain for a while, though not wholly, but it helps. I have to keep my mind busy, so my brain won't have time to process my fears and anxiety. Maybe I could do another project. Learning a new language? Find new hobbies? Read more books? Watch more movies? Write more blog posts? 

What do you think I should do? Any ideas? 


4 comments

  1. Kak Kimi, I'm so sorry to hear this :(
    Mungkin bisa coba doing new hobby atau write more untuk mengalihkan pikiran Kakak. Baca buku mungkin juga bisa, Kak?
    Semoga Kak Kimi bisa melalui semua ini 🙏🏻

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    Replies
    1. Terima kasih, Lia. Sekarang sudah lebih baik kok. :D

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  2. the help was there. the help is still there. take the meds, see the doctor, so, I don't know, maybe take it and do something about it.

    actually, no. decide that on your own and commit to it. you're in charge of your life and what you do about it. no one else is.

    ReplyDelete

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