Saturday, May 16, 2020

Why Do I Need To Survive?

Seperti yang saya bilang di sini, saya ingin bertapa dari dunia maya. Nyatanya saya nggak benar-benar bisa. Saya butuh blog ini sebagai media pelarian saya. Blog ini sudah lama menemani saya, senang dan sedih, serius dan bercanda, ada di sini semua. Saya sengaja menuliskannya di sini untuk suatu saat nanti jika mau dilihat-lihat lagi. Kenang-kenangan. Bertahun-tahun dari sekarang ketika saya membaca blog ini, saya akan bergumam, "Oh, dulu saya pernah mengalami ini toh."

Seperti saat ini. I got another big storm that hit me. Dan tadinya saya tidak mau menuliskannya sekarang. Saya berencana ingin menuliskannya nanti saja ketika saya sudah sembuh, tapi saya gak tahu kapan saya bakalan sembuh. Sementara saya sudah tidak tahan lagi.

Yes, you read that right. Ketika saya sudah sembuh yang berarti saya sekarang sedang sakit. I am diagnosed with moderate depressive episode.

13 April 2020 badai besar itu datang. Sebelumnya saya memang sudah limbung, tetapi puncaknya di tanggal itu. Saya hancur. Luka yang saya bawa bertahun-tahun selama ini terbuka lagi. Kali ini lukanya bertambah lagi, semakin banyak, menyakitkan, dan meninggalkan bekas yang sangat dalam. 

I cried for days. I couldn't sleep. I didn't eat. I didn't have the energy to do anything. I lost interest in everything, including pampering myself with skincare which you guys know how much I love it.

Until one day I felt really tired of crying and I decided to cut myself. Surprisingly, I felt calm. It gave me a sense of peace. Then I stopped crying. Then I did it again, again, and again.

The pain is enormous. I feel so much hurt. I feel worthless. All I can see are dark clouds. And I thought to myself, "What's the point of living if I always get hurt?" I thought, well, maybe death is not that bad.

I told about this to Lea and John, a friend of mine who lives in UK. I need to tell someone who understands this because the last thing I need is a judgmental person. They told me to go to a psychiatrist because I already harmed myself. So, I went to see a psychiatrist, thus I got the diagnose.




I am still struggling to this day. There are days when I feel fine, but there are days when I feel so bad. It feels like walking through a deep tunnel without ending. And I am scared. And I am so much in pain. There was one day I woke up with a heavy chest and I cried. Any other day I woke up feeling blue, staring at the ceiling, and thinking, "Well, another day to survive. Such a really long day."

When those days come, like now, sometimes I don't wanna get help. I don't want to survive. I wanna get drown and die in my miseries. Like I said, what's the point of living if I always get hurt? I don't wanna feel the pain anymore. Anyone, kill me. Or you, yes, you who have hurt me, just kill me. Please. 

I still cut myself. I think I'm addicted to cutting. I cut myself anytime I feel like it. I have a few scars now. I don't know whether they will be completely healed or not. But, I do know one thing though: this psychological wound will never be completely healed.

So, tell me again. Why do I need to survive?
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3 comments:

  1. We don't have to survive kok. You, Your friends, or that someone who hurt you, or me, all can commit suicide or die randomly, few minutes after reading this. And the world might not noticed. Everyone will moveon eventually and the world will run as usual.

    You are NOT special. your emotion is also NOT special. Actually, none of us is.

    eh, is it?

    I must be wrong. There must be something so special. something very very special that made you so depressed until you hurts yourself. am I right?

    hmm, or is it only your feeling that tricked you to worship something that isn't worthy and do stupid acts?

    ah, now I wasted too many energy to think. fuk it. fuk your feeling. I suggest you say it too, tell your feeling to fuk itself. We better do something more useful.

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  2. 'why do you need to survive' ...

    that's the question only you can answer, really. but I think the fact that you asked that question also means that maybe---just maybe---that death in itself may not be the one thing you seek. and life could be tough, really really tough. you look into the abyss and the abyss looks back at you.

    you are not broken though. you are a person with unmet emotional needs. and in that sense it is also something people can work out together. it will take courage, however, like very very huge amount of courage, to the extent you will probably be deathly afraid of even thinking that things could possibly be worked out. it may sound contradictory but it isn't, really.

    by the way, I left a message in your mailbox. check it out when you feel like it, okay? thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I often think about the reason why I live. Logically speaking, I will never know, haven't heard voices let alone answers in my head except for my own thoughts, and so it is irrelevant. That it is frustrating, of course. But, tf, I'm here right in this moment, in life. I guess I only have to dance, dance, dance--quoting Murakami--through life.

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