This One is for You, E.
Last year I got my heart broken. Big time. In the healing process, I knew I needed to find new persons. New environment. So, I installed dating apps on my phone.
What was my purpose of using dating apps, you may ask. Was I looking for a new boyfriend? Nope. I was looking for new people. To tell myself that there was a big world out there. Because I felt like I was living in a bubble. I confined myself because the lack of trust that I have towards other human beings. I was just trying to protect myself from pain or getting hurt.
But, I knew with the pain that I was having at that time, I could not bear it alone. I had to do something. I refused to dwell in that pain. So, I made a bold move. I installed dating apps on my phone and met some random guys.
You know, for an introverted person such as I am, it took a huge effort to do that. To make small talks, to tell about myself, to ask questions to them, to crack jokes, to find random topics so the conversations could run smoothly. Basically, all things that needed to talk to strangers.
I was tired, to be honest. I was scared. But, I kept going. Because I knew I needed to have new friends. I was alone at that time and I desperately needed someone to talk to. Anyone. I didn't care if it was a stranger. So, I thought, as long as I was still in my tolerance limit, I'd continue using the dating apps. Once I reached the limit, the peak point, I'd give up.
I didn't expect anything from using the dating apps. What to expect, anyways? Some guys bluntly asked me to sleep with them. Some other guys spoke honestly that they had wives and only wanted to have fun. I told them, "Thank you for being honest, I'm not interested in sleeping with you. I only wanna talk and make some new friends." Some stayed, some left. As the time went by, I got bored, I stopped talking to them.
But, there was this one guy I kept talking to until this day. Let's call him as E.
I think it was on April or on May last year when I swapped right E's profile on one of the dating apps. We matched. So, we chat, then we exchanged our WhatsApp numbers. Few months later, we met. Then, we met again. Then, I find comfortable in him. I shared some secrets with him. Then, I realize, wow, I think I fell for this guy. I opened my heart and made myself vulnerable to a guy I just knew for few months? Strange it may sound, but it happened.
But, I thought he might not feel the same way. Who am I anyway? I'm just some random and mediocre girl that no one loves. There was no way he'd like me. So, I ignored my feelings. I hid them. I'm used to loving people that I cannot have. Believe me, I'm great at it. I told myself, "Okay, let's be friends, E. A good friend."
He treated me with respect. And that made me appreciate him even more. I respect him as a human being. And I tried to be a good friend for him. That's what you do when you care for someone, right?
Each day I grew fonder of him. I told him when my mom was rushed into hospital. I cried on the phone talking to him about how I was scared of losing my mom. He was the first person I told when my mom passed away.
Then, one day he told me that he's leaving. He's going to leave Indonesia. I froze for a moment. I was dejected. Panic crept in slowly to my body. I can't ask him out again if he leaves. I can't... I don't know. I... Huft. Don't. Fucking. Know.
But, I know it's the best decision for E. He deserves to have a happy and a fulfilling life. As a good friend, the best thing that I can do is to support him. Right? Right. Of course, that's the right thing to do, Kimi.
Until three days ago -- on May 25, 2021 -- he still didn't know the truth how I felt about him. Until, while we were strolling around in Grand Indonesia, I blurted out, "That's because you don't wanna be with me." Then, I was like, "Oh, no." Then, my hands were cold and my heart was pounding hard. I silently cursed myself. I wish the Earth swallowed me at that moment.
He was taken aback, I think. Then, we talked about it. He held my hand. He hugged me. And he was wondering, "Why did you tell me this now, Kimi? Why not earlier? Why didn't you give any signs? We've been knowing each other for a year." I shrugged, "I thought you didn't like me."
This is a bittersweet story, I must say. I'm happy that I get to know him. I'm happy that I let my heart open for him. I'm happy that I trust him. Most importantly, I'm happy knowing his feelings. But, there's nothing much that we can do about it. He's still leaving. And he asked me not to wait for him. The best thing for us right now is stick to being friends. I know he's right.
I rarely write about someone close to my heart on this blog. But, I did wanna write about E, hence this post is the result. So, in the next years to come, when I come back to this post I can relive the moment. And E also can come back here so he will remember that there is a woman who once has a huge crush on him and cares about him a lot.
So, ehm, hi, E. Bernie Taupin wrote a great song, one of my favorite songs ever, called Your Song. One line says, "my gift is my song, and this one's for you". I cannot write you a song (I don't know how). So, I did what I do best: I wrote this blogpost and this one is for you.
I know you want me to be happy and move on. I am happy now and I will move on one day. Until that day comes, and I don't know when, please, just let me savor these feelings that I have for you. And don't you worry, I'll be fine.
You will take care, won't you? Take a good care of yourself. Be happy. Be awesome. May you have a blessed and wonderful life. I love you, as a friend.
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world